Family, Surrogacy

When You Don’t Know What To Say…..

You know how there are those times where you have nothing to say but at the same time have everything to say? I’m really at that point right now.

Days slowly creep by and I find myself wondering where I’ve gone in all of this. There have been days, weeks, months and probably even years since I began this process that I’ve wondered just that. I became so engrossed in the process, devoting my every moment to making R&G the parents they so deserved to be. In doing that, I was the happiest I’ve been. I felt I was doing what I was meant to do. In this, I also couldn’t imagine anyone else taking my place.

Guy became a big brother before his third birthday……how did that happen? I mean I know how it happened, but how did it happen without me? How did he grow up so fast and how is there another little boy in their family?

the boys
My Guy with his Guys…..

I had convinced myself over and over again, that I would be the one to start and finish their family. When this was no longer an option, I felt more broken than just the bones in my body. My world had shattered along with my hips. Don’t get me wrong, I am still in their family on a constant basis. Guy even reminds me that he loves “money AND Christina”. I guess I’ve made some sort of an impression, if I’m right up there with the whole loving money aspect.

I spent some time with them in December when they were here for little boy #2 and it was just like we hadn’t spent time apart. There was no hesitation on the part of Guy. He knew me and loved me and was ready to start up right were we had left off the last time I was in Israel. Seriously……could it be any better than that?

I have made new family AND I get to travel to Israel! We are always planning the next trips. Whether it be me going to Israel (likely) or the boys all coming back to ND (highly doubtful….its North Dakota!).

I’ve been procrastinating in writing Guy’s second birthday letter. I believe this is because I don’t want to tell him whats all happened in my life from March 5 2015, to March 4 2016. I don’t want the malady of medical issues to overshadow how I felt about the situation during that time block. So many amazing things happened, but yet; so many more scary, painful, bad, confusing times were there.

How can something so utterly perfect, bring anything to my life but happiness? I’ve asked this exact same question a million times in the past few years. As the night moves on, I seem to have run out of words. There is so much more rattling up in there, but I just don’t know how to get it to the screen.

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Family, Surrogacy

Life Goes On…..

When your entire life gets consumed by surrogacy and statistics and the rules you need to follow, not to mention all of the hormones and fertility drugs, you tend to forget about everything else. Guy was born 03/05/2014 and I’m still struggling to figure out how to find “me” again. My entire life has been consumed by surrogacy since early 2000 when I made the decision that I needed to help someone else have a baby, that I sort of forgot where I left “me” in the process.

I followed every rule and read all the statistics. I asked every possible question that I could think of to the agency as well as multiple doctors. I knew that this process was something that would not only be rewarding, but also something I could do to provide someone that really needed a child, a child of their own. I originally thought about egg donation and signed up to be a donor until I got the contract where there was the anonymity clause and I would have no idea where the eggs went. I know the world is a HUGE place, but at the same time it’s far too small for me to always be wondering if my child would be dating someone genetically related some day. That was not something I was willing to gamble with.

Fast forward a few years after I had researched being a gestational carrier and I was signing my first set of contracts. Who knew that it would be seven long, very difficult and confusing years before I would feel a baby move and be able to relax just a tiny bit. Who knew that my first would be the end for me. Surrogacy provides so many unknowns that it really doesn’t matter what a doctor indicates is the success rate or how many embryos are implanted. It’s going to work when it’s meant to work and everything happens for a reason regardless of what we all think.