Family, Post Partum Depression, Surrogacy

Working On Writing Again…..

One of the many things I used to do was write Write to just write. Emails for work just flew from my fingers and so many times they were thoughtless. Not in a way that they were plainly rude and disgusting and offensive; but thoughtless as in I didn’t really need to think to write them. I just put my fingers on the keyboard and it happened. I miss writing, I miss having the mindset to be able to just think.

blog_writing

Everything’s so different based on the meds I’m on. Who knew that lifelong steroids would mess me up far more than the disease I’m taking them for? I thought that my brain would stay regardless of everything I was losing. It was the strongest part of me that has now become a pile of mush.

Someone recently told me I was by far the dumbest smart person that they knew. How did that happen? Oh…..I remember this one! Steroids, Addison’s Disease, Pituitary insufficiency, Primary Adrenal insufficiency, Xolair side effects from an infusion that’s required to ensure I stay alive. Anaphylactic reactions from everything and nothing made a medication that has more side effects than I care to remember a necessity. Avascular Necrosis eating at my bones, I swear the ringing in my ears sometimes subsides in a way that I can hear my bones being consumed. PTSD that I’ve finally come to accept as truth rather than running away from it. That’s another book for a totally different time.

A book, yes; a book! I’m starting and going to finish. Countless people have told me I needed to write a book about everything and nothing all at the same time. Yes, I realize I’ve said that odd statement many times lately. I need a before, during and after type of book.

Not a self-help type of book, but an informative type of what not to do in a situation that you totally lose yourself in. Who knew that trusting someone could cause the amount of pain that most should never even try and endure. Who knew that the one you were supposed to trust in life would be the one that would betray you in ways that made you start blaming yourself because there was no other way to explain it. This is so far off of the surrogacy track, but it’s what got me to the place of surrogacy.

Knowing, learning, loving. Self-deprecating days that I wished never happened to days that I was indestructible and at the same time self-effacing. Days that I learned it didn’t really matter what anyone else thought and being able to hide behind anything as not to be noticed/recognized for anything I was able to accomplish. I knew who I was and what I was doing and that was all that mattered at that time. It allowed me to become much stronger as a person, as a parent, as an independent, somewhat “in your face” confidence that sometimes was so real and other times was totally a front. I couldn’t let anyone know that things were still killing me from the inside out. I needed to be the strong one in every situation. I needed to be the “fixer” rather than the one that needed help trying to figure out how to fix the broken in me.

I think it’s important to write. That it’s important for people to see that their problems, fears, issues, hopes, dreams or whatnot are things that others feel on a daily basis. That things aren’t so farfetched that they should dismiss them or avoid them or feel less than they really are.

I started out in a town that I thought was stifling me to understanding that this small town showed me I needed protection from things that were insignificant at that point in my life. It was also the place that I came back to after the fiasco in NJ in which I felt safe. That no matter how small, no matter how much everyone wanted to know everything about my life; that they just let me be. They let me wallow without question. They let me fall apart without judgement. That one statement from one person allowed me to wrap my mind around needing to live again.

I always felt like the outsider when I was growing up, I needed to flee because there was never acceptance. It’s crazy how things feel different when you look at them with a totally different perspective. Maybe I was still the outsider when I went back, but I just didn’t see it in the same offensive way I did while growing up. Maybe I just felt like an outsider because I didn’t allow myself to fit the square peg into the round hole.  Anything’s possible…….

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Family, Surrogacy

When You Don’t Know What To Say…..

You know how there are those times where you have nothing to say but at the same time have everything to say? I’m really at that point right now.

Days slowly creep by and I find myself wondering where I’ve gone in all of this. There have been days, weeks, months and probably even years since I began this process that I’ve wondered just that. I became so engrossed in the process, devoting my every moment to making R&G the parents they so deserved to be. In doing that, I was the happiest I’ve been. I felt I was doing what I was meant to do. In this, I also couldn’t imagine anyone else taking my place.

Guy became a big brother before his third birthday……how did that happen? I mean I know how it happened, but how did it happen without me? How did he grow up so fast and how is there another little boy in their family?

the boys
My Guy with his Guys…..

I had convinced myself over and over again, that I would be the one to start and finish their family. When this was no longer an option, I felt more broken than just the bones in my body. My world had shattered along with my hips. Don’t get me wrong, I am still in their family on a constant basis. Guy even reminds me that he loves “money AND Christina”. I guess I’ve made some sort of an impression, if I’m right up there with the whole loving money aspect.

I spent some time with them in December when they were here for little boy #2 and it was just like we hadn’t spent time apart. There was no hesitation on the part of Guy. He knew me and loved me and was ready to start up right were we had left off the last time I was in Israel. Seriously……could it be any better than that?

I have made new family AND I get to travel to Israel! We are always planning the next trips. Whether it be me going to Israel (likely) or the boys all coming back to ND (highly doubtful….its North Dakota!).

I’ve been procrastinating in writing Guy’s second birthday letter. I believe this is because I don’t want to tell him whats all happened in my life from March 5 2015, to March 4 2016. I don’t want the malady of medical issues to overshadow how I felt about the situation during that time block. So many amazing things happened, but yet; so many more scary, painful, bad, confusing times were there.

How can something so utterly perfect, bring anything to my life but happiness? I’ve asked this exact same question a million times in the past few years. As the night moves on, I seem to have run out of words. There is so much more rattling up in there, but I just don’t know how to get it to the screen.

Family, Random Act of Kindness, Surrogacy

I Should Really Explain….

You know how you get in to that slump where you don’t want to write, answer emails. The slump where you no longer answer the phone; because you just don’t want to talk to whoever is on the other side of that call, because you would be required to answer so many questions that you are at the point of pure, utter exhaustion because you’ve had to answer them over and over and it never seems to sink in, so they continue asking.

Guy’s third birthday is approaching sooner than later, I’ve yet to finish his second birthday letter. I’ve yet to contact IARC with all those wonderful things I want to suggest to help with gestational carriers. I think I was their most determined to have a baby GC. I was so determined that even when there was the suggestions put out there that I may not be the one, I disregarded all of them because in my heart, I knew I was the one meant to have a baby for R&G.

I’m still in that slump where I just don’t know what to do or what to say. I’m trying to get the understanding out there that none of my issues pertain to Guy. He, R&G were there to help me fulfill something I also wanted to do. What is more selfless than having a baby for someone?

I also keep reminding anyone who asks, that even knowing this specific outcome, all of my medical issues after his birth, all of the complications since then; that I would undoubtedly follow the same path!

I may have saved a little more here and there, I may have cut back on all of those dinners out, I may have done a number of things different on my end just to be prepared. With all of that, I still would have gone through the entire process. I still would give up my body, my health, my inability to do a lot of things now that used to be second nature so that Guy was born. So that R&R continued the process with me! They are my chosen family and forever will be. We began this process as strangers, became friends then became the sort of family you just can’t live without. The type of family that you are excessively happy when they send a message or you see their name pop up on your phone. They are my forever family!

I don’t get to spend nearly as much time as I’d like with them, but will be seeing them again in December. They will be coming back because Guy will be a big brother. We will have a month or more where we get to spend together. A month to where I can learn enough Hebrew to understand what Guy is trying to tell me, what he is trying to ask for, what he is seriously upset about because I can’t understand what he’s really saying.

I’m going to be back again. I’m going to write and try to figure this all out. I want to be useful to other GC’s that are going through the process, have finished the process, or who were never able to complete the process because of the heartbreak over and over again.

Jayde and I at IARC Halloween Party
Surrogacy

Still Waiting And Not Pregnant…..Yet!

Some days I wonder what to write and other days I know just what to say. So today is one of those brutal honest days! The loss of the pregnancy and surgery was a bit difficult. I received a myriad of responses from I’m not meant to be doing this and there is some “higher power” telling me to just stop which is why I’ve yet to have a successful pregnancy to when the time is right I will actually have a successful pregnancy. It makes me really think though. Then Jayde starts talking and REALLY gets in my head and makes me think even more! She tends to do this on a daily basis and knows how to word things so that I need to analyze everything more than once.

After every attempt, after every implant; I’m given the option to stop. IARC asks me to think about it and decide whether or not this is the right journey for me based on the disappointment I’ve recently experienced or from the extreme influx of hormones taking over my body, my moods and my every decision. I’ve never even given it a second thought before. I’ve always known that this was what I was here to do, this was the perfect job for me. Well up until this last attempt. I’ve always looked at this from a selfish perspective; I’ve always been approaching it as this was what “I” wanted, what “I” wanted to give to someone and never really thought about the other end of the spectrum. I guess I should rephrase that. I’ve always known that they WANTED this, that more than anything they WANTED a surrogate to carry a baby for them but I never thought about how my not being able to successfully carry their pregnancy would affect them. How could I miss this? How could I only be thinking of me in this situation…..selfish much?

I’ve been very fortunate that my Intended Parents (both times) have been kind, caring, compassionate, unfailing individuals that have ultimately put their feelings aside and have always asked how I am and have cared about my well-being rather than letting me know just exactly how they feel. Ronen gave me a little insight though. He had said at one point, when I thought I wasn’t pregnant, they weren’t sure what they were going to do next because it was a lot harder than they thought it was going to be. They thought I would just get pregnant and it would be so much easier. But yet, here I am thinking, I NEED to do this for ME! This is on my list of things I need to complete sometime, a Bucket List of sorts. I need to do something that would affect someone to the core, something that would alter their life.

Ok….here is the brutal honest part. Why is it in all of this that I feel like a complete failure then? I know that someone never really “fails” until they give up. Since I haven’t given up

Jayde and I at IARC Halloween Party
Jayde and I at IARC Halloween Party

shouldn’t that mean that I shouldn’t feel like a failure? I went to the IARC Halloween party and there were some familiar faces and some new faces but there was one thing that was clearly evident…..I still wasn’t pregnant and I still didn’t have a baby for anyone. There was one person there that had already completed five SUCCESSFUL pregnancies for different Intended Parents, there were Surrogates that had gotten pregnant rather quickly, there were Surrogates that were weeks away from delivering for their Intended Parents and then there was me. I felt so out-of-place and just like a failure. It made me think who would want to use me? Why not choose the woman who has proven over and over again that she can complete this task and do it effortlessly, or one of the many women that seem to get pregnant just by visiting the fertility doctors?

I did think a little differently after this last loss though. I took a step back and really wondered how badly Ronen and Gadi were hurting in all of this. They have my hurt, the loss, the waiting, the uncertainty of really just not knowing what’s going to happen next; all combined with their hurt. Their hurt of not having what I already have, the emptiness in their hearts, in their arms and in their home. I can’t imagine one day, one hour, one moment without Jayde; she completes me and for me not to have that would be a hurt that I could never describe. I couldn’t possibly combine that hurt with the disappointment of a miscarriage or an implant just not working. I applaud Intended Parents for their strength and willingness to continue through this journey even with the low odds they are facing. They are truly the people in this journey that should be commended for what they are able to do; they are ultimately the strength in this scenario. I am just along for the ride.

With that said….Ronen and Gadi, Zohra and Khelifa; I can’t imagine the strength you must have to be able to continue this journey day after day, week after week, month after month and for Zohra and Khelifa year after year.