Some days I wonder what to write and other days I know just what to say. So today is one of those brutal honest days! The loss of the pregnancy and surgery was a bit difficult. I received a myriad of responses from I’m not meant to be doing this and there is some “higher power” telling me to just stop which is why I’ve yet to have a successful pregnancy to when the time is right I will actually have a successful pregnancy. It makes me really think though. Then Jayde starts talking and REALLY gets in my head and makes me think even more! She tends to do this on a daily basis and knows how to word things so that I need to analyze everything more than once.
After every attempt, after every implant; I’m given the option to stop. IARC asks me to think about it and decide whether or not this is the right journey for me based on the disappointment I’ve recently experienced or from the extreme influx of hormones taking over my body, my moods and my every decision. I’ve never even given it a second thought before. I’ve always known that this was what I was here to do, this was the perfect job for me. Well up until this last attempt. I’ve always looked at this from a selfish perspective; I’ve always been approaching it as this was what “I” wanted, what “I” wanted to give to someone and never really thought about the other end of the spectrum. I guess I should rephrase that. I’ve always known that they WANTED this, that more than anything they WANTED a surrogate to carry a baby for them but I never thought about how my not being able to successfully carry their pregnancy would affect them. How could I miss this? How could I only be of me in this situation…..selfish much?
I’ve been very fortunate that my Intended Parents (both times) have been kind, caring, compassionate, unfailing individuals that have ultimately put their feelings aside and have always asked how I am and have cared about my well-being rather than letting me know just exactly how they feel. Ronen gave me a little insight though. He had said at one point, when I thought I wasn’t pregnant, they weren’t sure what they were going to do next because it was a lot harder than they thought it was going to be. They thought I would just get pregnant and it would be so much easier. But yet, here I am thinking, I NEED to do this for ME! This is on my list of things I need to complete sometime, a Bucket List of sorts. I need to do something that would affect someone to the core, something that would alter their life.
Ok….here is the brutal honest part. Why is it in all of this that I feel like a complete failure then? I know that someone never really “fails” until they give up. Since I haven’t given up
shouldn’t that mean that I shouldn’t feel like a failure? I went to the IARC Halloween party and there were some familiar faces and some new faces but there was one thing that was clearly evident…..I still wasn’t pregnant and I still didn’t have a baby for anyone. There was one person there that had already completed five SUCCESSFUL pregnancies for different Intended Parents, there were Surrogates that had gotten pregnant rather quickly, there were Surrogates that were weeks away from delivering for their Intended Parents and then there was me. I felt so out-of-place and just like a failure. It made me think who would want to use me? Why not choose the woman who has proven over and over again that she can complete this task and do it effortlessly, or one of the many women that seem to get pregnant just by visiting the fertility doctors?
I did think a little differently after this last loss though. I took a step back and really wondered how badly Ronen and Gadi were hurting in all of this. They have my hurt, the loss, the waiting, the uncertainty of really just not knowing what’s going to happen next; all combined with their hurt. Their hurt of not having what I already have, the emptiness in their hearts, in their arms and in their home. I can’t imagine one day, one hour, one moment without Jayde; she completes me and for me not to have that would be a hurt that I could never describe. I couldn’t possibly combine that hurt with the disappointment of a miscarriage or an implant just not working. I applaud Intended Parents for their strength and willingness to continue through this journey even with the low odds they are facing. They are truly the people in this journey that should be commended for what they are able to do; they are ultimately the strength in this scenario. I am just along for the ride.
With that said….Ronen and Gadi, Zohra and Khelifa; I can’t imagine the strength you must have to be able to continue this journey day after day, week after week, month after month and for Zohra and Khelifa year after year.