The Reason For Silence…..

More often than not I’ve found that silence is my best form of therapy. I’ve come across this yet again. I’ve been silent partly because I didn’t know what to write and partly because I needed to keep it inside for just a bit longer. Ronen and Gadi needed to make the decision to use a different surrogate based on the multiple failures in our program. The doctor has indicated it had nothing to do with me as well as Ronen and Gadi indicating it would take them years to find another match as incredible as ours. Instead of letting the hurt out, I just kept it close to my heart where I still owned it. I had control over my emotions when everything was locked up inside and I didn’t need to talk about it.

Last week, I needed to be re-screened to be a surrogate and part of the process is a psych evaluation. Everything went quite well (at least I think they did) and the doctor asked me the same questions as previous evaluations. It wasn’t until she indicated I should be mourning the loss of my fallopian tube because I had lost a part of me that I became more aware of the piece that was really missing from me. I did nothing short of beg the surgeon to take both fallopian tubes when she asked me if I had any questions prior to surgery. I tried to convince her that there was no way I was going to wake up one morning and be like “Whoops! I forgot to have another child” considering Jayde is now closer to 15 than 14. I’ve known since she was born that one isn’t the loneliest number but the perfect number of offspring for me. That I would commit the rest of my child-bearing years to providing it to anyone else wishing to have one, or two, or three or whatever number is their perfect number. I knew I wouldn’t be mourning the loss of a stupid tube that caused another failed attempt for Ronen and Gadi, that I was cursing it under my breath because of what transpired. If she would have only taken both tubes, I would never run into this issue again; granted the chances are really slim, but still a possibility.

While sitting in the office for the psych evaluation the ache started to set in and I knew what was missing from me, it wasn’t a fallopian tube, it was Ronen and Gadi. I remain in constant contact with them but it’s not the same. Instead of nearly daily emails, they’ve dropped off to just about once a week. Instead of laughing on Skype with them, I’m left wondering if they will find a match that fills their needs, that produces a viable pregnancy when it was the one thing I wanted to do more than any other. I also wonder if they will be happy with their new match or if they too will be thinking of the things that I’m thinking of. I know it takes a remarkable person to be a surrogate so there is not a chance that they will end up with someone who isn’t up to the standards that I believe a surrogate should have. In stating surrogates are remarkable women, I don’t feel that I fall into the “remarkable” category. I feel that I am just normal doing the right thing. The right thing for me and without a doubt, the right thing for the intended parents. Doing the right thing doesn’t seem remarkable to me.

Third time’s a….um….not so charming!

Back in January Jayde and I went back to Toronto for my third implant. The flight was flawless, ride from the airport to the hotel was wonderful and check in to the hotel went without a hitch. Jayde and I had quite some time prior to my implant so we planned a few fun things. We went to an outdoor ice rink and attempted to skate. Jayde is only used to skating with her skates so the rental skates really weren’t working for her. We “skated” for about 15 minutes before she said she was done! We spent a large amount of time at the Easton mall in which Jayde wanted just about everything. She got a necklace she wanted and a few other little things. I must say shopping in Toronto SUCKS! It’s highly over priced.

Jayde got to experience Ruth Chris‘s without being a vegetarian for that particular day. The last time Jayde was in Toronto with me she decided she was going to be a vegetarian for the week and ate a salad while I ate a steak served sizzling in butter. Nearly every day since we’ve been in Toronto, Jayde has asked if we can go back so she can eat another steak sizzling in butter. I sort of feel the same. I wish we had one closer to where we live; but then again I’d want to go there constantly and we’d never have money for anything else.

Implant day came and I went to CReATE while Jayde stayed at the hotel. At CReATe everything was the same as previous trips. It’s busy with women desperately trying to have a child. My turn came and I went to the procedure room, laid on the table and started to wait. Dr. Librach came in the room and while I was laying on the table with my legs up, he said “Oh my, Christina! Your uterus looks amazing! Good job thickening it!” I thought that was a bit awkward but who am I to question what my uterus really looks like? I let Ronen know what the doctor had said and he thought I should walk around with a sign that says “Dr L thinks my uterus is amazing!” Unfortunately I couldn’t convince Jayde to carry the sign.

I waited the standard two weeks prior to the pregnancy test. Anyone that’s gone through the two-week waiting period can attest to the fact it’s the longest two weeks ever! The test unfortunately was zero which means yet again I’m not pregnant. It’s so frustrating to try so hard for something and for it to end up negative time after time. I always feel that I’ve done something wrong, that I didn’t give myself a shot at exactly the right time, that I took the other meds without an appropriate amount of food or at the wrong time. I sit and analyze this hour after hour, day after day once I hear the results are sent back as negative.

So now I sit and wait to determine whether or not I will go back for an additional implant. Lucky for me Ronen and Gadi still have a large number of embryo’s frozen.

Add The Progesterone

I’ve been taking 12 estrogen pills now for a few weeks and so far there haven’t been any side effects. I generally do pretty well on the estrogen with the exception of a headache. This time my head feels just fine!

Today I got the task of an intramuscular progesterone injection. Once a day at 8pm. This is all fine and wonderful because generally I have someone around that will assist with the injection. When I go to Toronto I will be there alone and not have anyone to assist. I will then be forced to stand in front of the bathroom mirror looking at my backside to determine a 90 degree angle in hopes that I can get the injection right on the first poke. The needle is 1 1/2 inches in length so after I break the skin, I need to hold my breath and jab it through an inch and a half of muscle. Yep, it’s just a bit uncomfortable. Once injected, I need to retract the plunger just a bit to determine if there is any blood drawback. Anyone that’s been in a hotel knows that the bathroom counter is quite large which makes the distance from my backside to the mirror quite far. This distance makes it rather difficult to determine if there is any blood drawback! I’ve even resorted to standing on the bathroom counter so that I can be a bit “closer” to the mirror. Maybe it’s a good thing that I will be alone so that no one else can laugh at me trying to inject a needle at 90 degrees while standing on the bathroom counter whining because I don’t want to take the huge needle and jam it through my skin/muscle.

I am also taking aspirin this cycle so it makes my blood just a bit thin. So when I pull the needle out, the now thinner blood is running down the back of my leg. It’s crazy at what a little aspirin will do. I also bruise rather easily so after my first shot, I’ve got a massive bruise on my backside. It’s going to make for uncomfortable sitting and laying in bed but thankfully this isn’t for the entire pregnancy (if the implant is successful). Only 96 more injections to go!

That Shipping Company….

A few posts back I was talking about how some shipping company (I’ve been asked not to name names) charged me a few dollars when it should have been over $150 to ship a package to Ronen and Gadi. I was contacted by a “supervisor” and they were immediately apologetic and told me they would get it taken care of “right away!”

I was hopeful. I figured if they contacted me and I hadn’t contacted them that they would end up charging me the accurate amount. That’s all I wanted….I just wanted to get charged what I should have been charged.

The following day, I checked my bank account and they had CREDITED me an additional $150. So now I owe the shipping company $300! How is it that they just can’t take my money? I am so disappointed that they just won’t charge me (seriously). I’m half tempted to put $300 in an envelope, seal it, not put any notifying information of mine in or on the envelope and take it back to the shipping company and just leave it on the counter.

So…shipping company, please stop crediting me and please, please TAKE my money!

Merry Christmas Everyone…

I’ve scaled way back on sending Christmas Cards. Maybe not so much because of the cost but because I’ve come to accept the fact that not EVERYONE I know really wants to see pictures of Jayde and I. I’m pretty sure that they end up in most garbage cans shortly after the holidays too. After all, it’s what I do.

Here is our card this year. I keep saying that every year I need to make our cards better than last year and pretty soon I will just be sending out envelopes of cash because I will soon run out of ideas.

Jayde chose our plaid this year and when she told me what she wanted us to wear, I just cringed! Plaid…really? At least we were able to find plaid that wasn’t so “lumberjack” and it actually looks OK.

And the back side of our card…..

The Eleventh and Twelfth days of Christmas….

This year’s gifts ended much like many years past. Jayde said she got EVERYTHING she never knew she wanted. She told me that she can’t believe how I can predict what she wants before she even knows she wants it. I told her it was simple; it’s called “Being a Mom.”

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my Honey Bunny got me more Friends DVDs. She got a HomeStuck necklace. I don’t know a whole lot about HomeStuck but it’s an online comic that she is obsessed with. I listen to her go on and on about this comic and smile politely and nod when she asks me “doesn’t it sound so awesome?” Most things she is interested in, I just politely smile and act like I’m interested or that I care when in reality it just sounds like Charlie Brown’s Teacher talking to me and all I hear is “whah whah whahn”

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Jayde got me….I bet you can never guess….yep more Friends DVDs. She got a video camera! Something she has been asking for since the first time we were in Toronto with Zohra and Khelifa and she lost hers. I had gotten her a flip camera a few years back for her birthday but something about it not being the same as her other camera and something about the format not being in the proper format for the video creating program she uses. Now I hope I got the right camera for her and she can continue to make videos as she loves to do so much!

That was our holiday’s. We spent so much time over the past 12 days laughing and eating and then laughing some more. She was in awe at everything she got (except the cereal that she calls a “drug”) and I am just thankful that I have my Honey Bunny to spend every holiday with. She is the best gift I could ever ask for.

On The Ninth and Tenth Days of Christmas…..

The Ninth Day of Christmas…and Jayde is still sick. I feel that I’m also catching a cold! I hate being sick during the holidays, I guess I should rephrase that. I hate being sick in general. Jayde was in bed sleeping when I got home from work and rather than waking her, I just let her sleep so we didn’t exchange gifts on the Ninth Day.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas Jayde got two different gifts because the Ninth Day was skipped. Today Jayde got a Hello Kitty Eye Mask and Hello Kitty Post-It notes. Both items, she’s asked for previously. Who would have guessed something so simple would have her stating “best gift EVER” yet again today. I was able to snap a picture of her today but it wasn’t a great image. I think it’s rather funny that she decided to use the eye mask as a head band though. The Post-It notes will soon be plastered over everything with little notes for me or drawings.

I got two more seasons of Friends on DVD from Jayde. Again not my first choice but it makes her happy so that makes me happy.

On The Eighth Day of Christmas….

Jayde is still sick so no photos again today. Jayde feels that she got me the perfect gift but I think it’s one of those things that she wanted a little more than I wanted, but then again getting her things that she wants is exactly what I really want. She got me Friends on DVD, Season 10. I can only assume that the remainder of my gifts will be Friends on DVD which is something she’s been asking me for a few years now. I just didn’t want to purchase the box set that is nearly $200. I just can’t justify $200 for a series of DVDs.

Jayde got more useless Hello Kitty items today and more Nestea. Today’s Hello Kitty item was four refrigerator magnets. She once again said “Best Gift EVER!” Who knew that a 14-year-old would like such simple things? I must admit, that I’ve really got the best kid ever. With how materialistic society has made us, it’s so refreshing that I have a kid that would much rather have time than gifts, she’d much rather play board games at home with her mommy than to do mind-numbing useless things that most teens choose to do. I hope that ten years from now, she still holds the same values and appreciates the little things.

On The Seventh Day of Christmas….

Jayde is sick so she refused to let me take a picture of her for today’s post and since she is sick, I figured you didn’t need to see an image of me either.

On The Seventh Day of Christmas, my Honey Bunny gave to me…A green travel mug to take chunky orange juice to work. I feel this is a “sippy cup” but it’s labeled as a “travel mug.” The label on the cup states it’s “spill proof” because you need to push a button in order to drink from the cup. Jayde said to me she knew I had many different travel mugs, but this one will help with my coordination! So now, rather than spilling on my desk daily because I’m just a klutz, I need to remember to push a button while trying to drink and not obsess on whether or not I’m going to spill. I thought she put so much thought into this gift…really, who thinks ahead far enough to know that if it were just to be another common travel mug, I would spill and wouldn’t get any help with coordination. After she made the statement about my coordination, all I could say was “you’re so my kid!”

Today Jayde got a Hello Kitty hair dryer. Jayde will NEVER dry her hair so I knew this was going to be a gift that doesn’t get any use but she had told me that she wanted the largest collection of useless Hello Kitty items. Pretty useless in my opinion. She loved it and told me once again “the best gift EVER!” This will be very similar to the Hello Kitty toaster I got her a few years back, it will either sit on her desk or in her closet never to be used, but it made her so happy.

On The Sixth Day of Christmas….

I know I’m a bit behind but this time of year seems to just fly by and I can’t keep up with everything that’s going on. On the Sixth Day of Christmas, my Honey Bunny gave to me…. a new frame for my desk at work. I’ve already added the image Jayde chose and it’s ready to be taken to work. Jayde convinced me that I needed to wear a hat, her hat specifically for pictures this year and I’ve gotten so many compliments on the image. I think I need to listen to Jayde’s advice more often. I tend to take clothes out of her closet after she’s convinced me that she needed something while we go shopping and it ends up staying in my closet from the first time I wear it. I suppose I could just buy one of everything I get for her, for me and all would be good. Or I could just stop wearing clothes a 14-year-old chooses and try choosing clothes more suited for someone my age…..Nah! I’ll just continue wearing her clothes!

Jayde received what I thought was going to be the perfect gift yet again but there was a bit of controversy surrounding her gift. I got her a box of Fruity Pebbles because EVERY time I go to the grocery store and ask her if there is anything she would like or anything she needs, she answers with “Fruity Pebbles….if they are on sale.” Anyone that buys sugar laden cereal knows it’s NEVER on sale. So I only get them for her a few times a year because who needs all that sugar anyway? Jayde was a bit disappointed when she opened the gift and indicated she would need to go through withdrawals again. I didn’t know that she feels she has an “addiction” to Fruity Pebbles. When we have them in the house, she will choose to eat them over eating dinner with me. I guess that should have been my indicator not to bring her “drug” into the house again. I know for next year not to buy them because who want’s to buy something that your kid feels is a drug and will need to go through the 12 steps? Sorry Honey Bunny!

The Sixth day of Christmas also brought one additional surprise. I was told that I get to start taking 12 estrogen pills a day so that my uterine lining can get prepped for my next implant. I’ve not yet received the actual implant date, I just know it will be in the next few weeks. As I downed 12 pills, I hoped, wished and prayed that my hormones would stay somewhat stable so that those around me this holiday season would still want my company next year.